By May 26, 2011 Read More →

How Involved Is Your Child’s Other Parent?

The other day, I got into a deep discussion with a friend on parental involvement. We both agreed that under ideal circumstances it is best for the children. But we all live in a non-ideal world. With few exceptions, none of us came into adulthood looking to be single parents.

My ex wife and I live near each other and are active in our kids’ lives. Sure we have our moments, but for the most part, we work together.  My friend was telling me that there was no way she could deal with her child’s father “interfering” with raising her daughter due to his addiction to drugs. I have another friend whose ex husband is across the country due to his employment so he really can’t be too involved.  I can see the perks and I can also see the detriment.

How involved is the “other” parent in your child’s life? Should it be more? Less? Please leave a comment and let’s discuss!

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60 Comments on "How Involved Is Your Child’s Other Parent?"

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  1. Theresa says:

    I am a single mother of an 8 year old daughter. Her father literally went MIA when he met another woman four years ago. She was only four so she has almost basically forgotten him. I really felt in the beginning that should would suffer w/o a man in her life. It’s been just the opposite. She’s has thrived. I thought her how to swim on vacation. I tought her how to ride a bike w/o training wheels and she has started playing softball and after three seasons is an all star type player. I worked with her daily to get her skills where they needed her to be and most men who coach says she’s better than their child. I have recently bought her a fishing pole and am now looking into a dirt bike as this was something I did with my father growing up. I have made sure any void she would have not having her father around has been filled. It’s all about priorities. I think all the time – What did I do when I was this age with my Dad?” And the next week we are doing it. She will never grow up and say – I didn’t do that because my Dad wasn’t around. When I asked her the other day – Would you like to send your Dad a Father’s Day card (even tho she’s not heard one word from him in four years) she replied – Of course I do – we went to the store – bought a card – she signed it – I love you so much (which really surprised me) and sealed it up and then she handed it to me and said… Happy Father’s Day Mom! (A moment I will never forget)!

  2. Theresa says:

    I actually do know how to spell taught. :>)

  3. Name (required) says:

    My husband was killed 5 yes ago so he is not involved at all. Not all if us are single parents through divorce.

  4. bonny says:

    What a great story about your daughter!! How savvy is she!! Loved it. My son 11 sees his dad every other weekend. I’m so glad he has that. He,s very protective of their relationship, But he tells me he loves me several times a day. He has a very big heart.

  5. Andre says:

    I have a decent relationship with my ex-husband. We have our moments, but for the most part we keep the children’s best interest front and center. It was a road getting there though. The first two years(of the 5 since divorce) were the hardest, but eventually we learned how to have our priorities straight. We failed our marriage, but we shoud strive to do well at the parenting of our children…if at all possible.

  6. John says:

    I realize that we all come to the single parenthood by different means and I did not mean to offend those who have lost a spouse.

  7. John says:

    Wow, what an awesome story and an awesome tribute! Great Kid!

  8. calli says:

    My son is 10, and his dad has always been involved since we divorced 7 years ago. I’ve moved around to different states for education and jobs, and he’s always come to visit our son often. My son is going to move to his dad’s this June because I think it’s time that he really needs his dad’s influence. I’m very sad about it for myself, but I think it will be great for our kid. I’ve seen many other divorce situations, and I realize how blessed we are! My ex is a wonderful dad.

  9. Lisa says:

    I’m a single mom of two awesome men in the making. Their father and I knew through our divorce that their well being should come first. We never fought in front of them, down graded each other, or cut the other one out. We never did the your weekend my weekend thing either, if the boys needed one of us for something we were there and went with it, sometimes it would be hard for us because we wanted to see them but it was about what they needed. We have always spent birthdays and holidays together so they didnt have to make that heart wrenching choice. Over the last few years their dad is going through a mid life crisis and wants to be the party guy so he has neglected his fatherly duties. But I think moms shouldnt be intimidated by “thats a mans job” My youngest loves to fish so we get up at 4 in the morning to go fishing, we love to camp, we fix the sprinklers, I’ve taught them to use a power saw and last summer my oldest and I gutted his bathroom and did a complete makeover we learned to tile, install a toilet, do electrical and have some great memories to laugh back on…My greatest gift ever was becoming a mom and Im going to enjoy it to the fullest 🙂

  10. John says:

    Thats awesome for sure! I feel blessed that my ex and I get along so well for the most part!

  11. AHarris says:

    My ex-husband left 8 years ago, because he fell for a woman in another country from a different culture-that he prefers over America. She tried living in the U.S. for 2 years and went back home, so now he is spending more and more time over there. I am sad that he sees our daughter so little, and never takes time out of his very flexible schedule (he owns a business and is somewhat well off and sort of retired, so he does what he wants.) When he is in town, He only seems to want a dinner date here and there scheduled at the last minute, if he doesn’t have a party or date (behind the other woman’s back. At me, he rages and cusses, if he doesn’t get his own way or if anything is inconvenient for him. He demands to control my life and keep us at his convenience so that we are here, in the event he feels like seeing our daughter on a last-minute whim. I hired professional assistance with scheduling/child issues last year but it did no good-they quit-said he was too abusive towards me to deal with. Last of all, my choice of Summer vacation schedule was impacted by the fact that he had her passport for 9 months and let it expire, now I have to figure that out. On another note, I am really inspired by the Moms on here who are teaching their kids sports, fix-it things, etc. I should stop wishing that he would settle down and spend time with our daughter, and learn to do some of those things with her myself! I guess I cannot demand that he change his roving spirit and be involved. I write him lengthy E-mails about everything in her school but if he is out of town, he ignores them, even if it is something important.
    Had a wonderful boyfriend for 5 years after the divorce who did all those “guy things” with her, and went to every school meeting, every basketball game,helped with homework, etc. (but our 3 children were not getting along, and it was too hard to do the blended family.) I was appreciative of that, though, and how he was so involved and he still cares about her, in a way that her own Father had no interest in doing.

  12. Single Mom says:

    My daughter is 3 and her father hasn’t shown any interest in her since she was born. He used to drop by and see her maybe once or twice a month. On those visits her would be more concerned with trying to sleep with me than our daughter. Finally when he realized that I wanted nothing to do with him, he stopped visiting and she hasn’t seen him in a year. It hurts some times when I think that she doesn’t have a father. I try to be the best mom that I can. I try to make sure that she doesn’t miss out on anything. I grew up without a father and I know that girls can go in the wrong direction without the proper guidance so I plan to be very open and honest with her. Whenever her Dad comes up she says “My Dad is at work.” at this point I don’t know what to say to that…

  13. Sharon says:

    I recently got divorced from my husband of 9 years, and I have found that his role in the lives of his three children is the same as it was before the divorce: pretty non-existent. Even when he was in the house, I was the one who took them on vacations, or to the mall, or just to the park. He had several addiction problems, which didn’t help his parental involvement, but now that we are divorced, my kids are happy and I am happy, and I am looking ahead to a future with my kids that doesn’t involve substance abuse.

  14. TTYL says:

    There are a lot great stories here from very committed Parents, single or not.

    I have a bit of dilemma, My wife and i Have been married for a little over 3 years and together for 8. A few months ago we become parents to a beautiful little girl. However, Lately things have not been going so well. We have always had a few arguments here for little things. I am really worried we very close to departing very soon. I work M-F but i try to be more involved with helping out around the house on weekends. Getting up at night to feed the baby, change diaper whatever needs to be done so that my wife can get some rest. I also do help out during the week at least one feeding. I give her bath everyday regardless of what of the week it is. It has been a hard few months for us because our daughter has Eczema. She needs constant and consistent care.

    Lately though, I havent been able to let what the wife slide. I am afraid, due to stress and her verbal abusive behavior, the love i have for her slowly fading and i constantly find myself looking for the exit.

    When we usually get into arguments and i can’t handle it i leave the house to give myself some space to think. That happened yesterday and I was leaving she said “leave and you will never see your daughter again” that to me is a red flag.

    She will be leaving to poland to see her parents in august. Should i be concerned?

    She’s currently a permanent resident of canada. I have really weird feeling about this. She’s always trying to threaten me with my daughter. I dont know what’s happening please help.

  15. TTYL says:

    i meant at least one feeding a day

  16. TTYL says:

    Sorry there are a lot of missing words on my comment

  17. cindy says:

    Does it ever get better. The guilt seems to last and last. He chose to not be part of his life no matter what i did to show him it was a bad path. The only time i hear from him is over child support issues, I know i wasn’t at fault but the guilt is strong. After 14 years why doesn’t it get easier/

  18. Andrea says:

    I split with my children’s father when my daughter was 18 months old and we had another try when she was 5 but it failed again when she was almost 7 and I was 6 months pregnant with our son. So I’ve brought them up alone ever since. When I left I moved about 250 miles away from him, about a 3 hour comfortable drive and the same on a train (which only requires one change). He’s seen the kids about 5 times in the past almost 12 years and has contributed virtually nothing to their upkeep financially.

    I’ve never pressed him to provide financially, I didn’t want the hassle and the hold that would give him over my life, but I did offer him every opportunity to see the children and made him welcome to visit as often as he liked. He chose to ignore this offer most times.

    The kids haven’t seen him now for over 3 years straight but he does contact them by phone reasonably regularly, at least once a month, sometimes more and he does send them money – nothing regular or routine just drops the odd few pounds into my daughter’s bank account now and then.

    My daughter is now 18 and my son is almost 12. I don’t like to say I told you so and honestly hoped I never would even think it, but many years ago I told him that he was going to miss out on so much if he didn’t start to make an effort. So much more than he’d ever imagine (I was thinking forward to wedding days, graduations, grandchildren etc) and that also his children wouldn’t know his family – it was up to him to share the children with his family.

    Now my daughter turned 18 he suddenly realises he wasn’t there at prom, he has no input to her educational choices as she goes to university, he hasn’t met her boyfriend and his comments and questions on her life are not well responded to by her as she feels he has no right to pry or advise when really he doesn’t know her. It hurts him when she tells him this. Equally my son has begun to hide from phone calls and become annoyed when this ‘stranger’ tries to advise him on his life. He carries no authority with them and although I’ve never ever said a bad word about him or against him to the children, they really feel that he let them down and so has no right to pick up the role of father, like some long discarded old shoe and put it on again way too late.

    They’re great kids, wonderfully happy, bright, well rounded, talented, high achievers, my son’s an avid sportsman already, they have good morals, are well grounded and determined to achieve and to be good parents themselves based on ‘mum’s example’.

    I also got a father’s day card this year from each child, their dad got nothing, which I felt was very sad and I feel sorry for him that he missed out on two fantastic kids who anyone would be proud of.

    I asked my daughter who would give her away when she married and she said “well it can’t be you mum as you’ll be a weeping wreck as it is, so it will be my brother and my dad can come if he likes but I don’t want him to have any input, he doesn’t deserve to give my hand in marriage to anyone”.

    Recently his mother passed away, without ever having met her grandchildren, her eldest grandchild, my daughter, named in her honour and her grand son. Fair enough she lives in another country but 18 years could have seen him make one visit with his children surely. Now he is choked and strangled with regret, he finally realises the things he lost and can never recover and he feels he let his mum down and his kids down and it is eating him alive. Sadly it’s no longer in my hands to put right for him, his children have made up their minds and they feel no pity.

    Kids need both parents if both parents are good parents. They are better off with one happy good parent than two miserable ones or one good one and one sorry excuse for one. They can grow up into beautiful happy people with only the love of one parent but I do believe that the rejection they feel is in there somewhere (particularly if one parent just doesn’t bother) and it will materialise in some way or other and the good parent needs to be ready to work through that with them.

    Follow my blog – it’s only just beginning and an introduction really but I’m sure I’ll talk more about my experiences as a single parent lots along the way. Not sure how to follow/link this one some advice would be appreciated.

  19. Sheryl says:

    My son’s father never was really involved with his son who will be 8 years old. He has only seen him about 7 times in his whole life. He owes like $16,000 because he thought that school would be better, yeah for him. Never mind his child. It’s not even the money that I care about. That is the least of my worries, although it would have helped but money isn’t everything and I don’t even push it EVER. We never talk about Child support. I am just mad at the fact that he never calls on his birthday, or holidays. He has never sent him a card, given him a gift NOTHING!!!! That is what ticks me off. A boy needs the love of a Father.

  20. DeAnna says:

    I have become a single mom twice in a lifetime. The first was when I divorced my son’s father. That was almost 10 years ago, when my son was less than 1 year old. During the divorce, my ex saw my son two nights a week and every other weekend. After the divorce, and our visitation arrangement changed due to me moving out of state, I had to travel to Florida once a month for the visitation to occur. Needless to say, by the time my son was 3 1/2, I never heard from his father between visitations. My son last saw his father Memorial Day weekend in 2004 and last talked to his father August of 2005. Now, about every two years, I get a phone call from his father wanting to know how he is doing, what does he look like, expressing how he really wants to see his son but just can’t manage to drive the four hours to accomplish that. My son wants nothing to do with his father, and I can’t honestly blame him.

    I was engaged to my daughter’s father when I found out I was pregnant. He was fine for about two weeks, then declared that the baby wasn’t his and took off. He has never seen his daughter, doesn’t know when she was born, and probably doesn’t even know that he has a daughter. I have spoken with him twice since he left and he has never asked about her. So far as I am concerned, she doesn’t have a father, and my son doesn’t have one worth mentioning.

  21. Blank says:

    I was separating from the now-ex when I became pregnant. His prophetic words to news of the pregnancy, “well this is just bad timing”, repeats itself in the excuses for not visiting my child now, at nearly three years of age. The divorce was recently finalized and it was commented to me by some of the involved professionals, that they did not see him sticking around as his involvement was spurred solely by his lawyer.
    As my child has barely any involvement with ‘donor’, I dedicate my non-working hours to making sure that my child is not longing for attention and receives a wealth of stimulus and learning opportunities (and just plain fun). There are times when I think having a partner helping to raise my child would make all of our lives easier as we all work together. That’s simply not the case. I believe that it does take a village to raise a child and am very grateful for the help I do receive from my wonderful friends and family. As far as having to work with ‘donor’ in raising my child, I hold the opinion that I’ve done it this far and can definitely do it without him. I see his involvement in raising my child as a hindrance as I’ve ensured the people surrounding and supporting my son and I do have the well-being of my child (and my sanity) forefront in their minds. Further, I question the integrity of his involvement as the choices the ex makes regarding my son (which amounts to when he will exercise visitation), hardly relate to my son at all.

  22. Name (required) says:

    Hello, I’m coming in kind of late on this conversation but I’d love some feedback if anyone has any advice. My sons father & I broke up when I was pregnant. He saw my son once when he was a week old and I told him I didn’t want to get back together but we could set up a schedule for him to visit. And that was that. His way or no way. My son just turned six and last week I decided to give his dad another chance. I found him on facebook and asked him if he wanted any type of relationship with my son at all. He says he’ll have to think about it – he hasn’t told his new wife (about his only son!). It just breaks my heart that one day my son will realize that he has a father with 4 other children (2 he sees)but he doesn’t want to know his only son. My son hasn’t asked yet..ever about his father…but i worry so much about when he will ask, what I will say and how he will react and feel. I will be as vague as possible until the questions are more specific and I know not to bad-mouth his dad. But saying “your father just wasn’t able to help…not all grown-ups know how to be a parent”….will eventually lead to other questions like “where does he live?”. Eventually my son will ask me to contact his father and I will but likely, his father will not want contact and I cannot fathom feeling that kind of hurt. It makes my stomach hurt. Is there any way to make this easier? I don’t want my son to grow up angry & resentful. I too take my son fishing, play soccer with him, laser tag…so I will do my best to be fill & dad roles, but there’s no escaping the sadness my son will feel and this is tearing me apart. Ugh! I am usually a great problem solver. I feel so helpless.
    My direct email is if anyone has words of wisdom I’d greatly appreciate it. Thanks for reading.

  23. Michelle says:

    Sorry I missed the “name” field. My first time on this (AWESOME) website!!!

  24. Sammy says:

    Iam a mom of 2, same dad thr dad missed both there births and bdays except for one. Their dad and I are high school sweethearts and r kids are 4 & 1. Hes a come in go as he pleases dad. He pops up at my house. Changes his number months at a time when things dont go his way…. So I take sole care of kids, he hasnt contributed a dime, bc he feels myself and my family is wealthy, he cheats lies and steals when I allow him to come around to visit. dosnt pay his child support. He bounces from living with multiple wemon. Im totally older and wiser, although are kids are small iv had a relationship with him for 10years now. I want to exclude him TOTALY from my and my kids life, hes on drugs no job living off wemon. Is there anyone with helpful advise? Iv tried jus talkn to him abt nor coming around, iv called police, issued warrents for his bad behavior!?? Im searching for another approach, even meetings with his mom addressing his 2year heavy drug adiction and getting help. ANYONE WITH SUGGESTIONS PLEASE HELP!!!!

  25. Sammy says:


  26. Sammy says:

    And I spend as much time as I can with my two babies im also maling moves to better myself. Iv went to school obtained my degree. Made sure my daughter was in school in time for preschool we also go camping and play sports jusr as well as my dad did with me. I love my kids bt I dont like who there father has choose to be. Id appreciate legal advise as well as any helpful words. Thanks much


  27. Hey John! Amazing blog. Thanks a lot. I appreciated some of the points you said here

  28. Name (required) says:

    Go with her! Don’t let the possibility of her never coming back happen. Listen to your gut!

  29. Jeffery says:

    Neat blog
    Keep it up. I will check back later. Thank you

  30. Cheryl says:

    I’m a single mom to 3 kids ages 5, 3, and 2. My ex and I live across the country from each other. Moving was my choice, and I chose to do so because after we separated months went by and the kids didn’t get a single visit or phone call from their father. I figured it would be easier on the kids to think that their father doesn’t visit due to distance. It bothers me to think that there are people who would view their child’s other parent as someone that would “interfere” with raising their children. A single parent can raise happy well-adjusted children on their own but why choose to deprive your children from someone that loves them and deprive yourself of a (much needed) break once in a while. Anyway, all that rambling and all I wanted to say was; Be civil and mature – put all differences or anger/hurt aside and do what’s right for your kids.

  31. jennifer says:

    i have a 18 month old and was with her father up until he became and alcoholic and i told myself i would not raise my child around that and i have given my daughters father so many opportunities and given him so many chances to come see her and do things with her but he keeps denying her so i don’t kno what i should do. i was gonna take him to court for child support but i cant find him and jut having a rough time and i really feel that she needs a father figure in her life which she does which is my new husband but i honestly think she needs to kno who her real father is but i don’t kno if i could honestly give him visitation rights because when me and him were together he was abusive and drank way too much and come to find out he went and got someone else pregnant and when he found out he left her so i need some advice on what i should do please i will greatly appreciate it

  32. Blaire says:

    WOW! I’ve tried putting my 9yr boy first and tried to get along with his father, my ex husband. Needless to say that most of the time it does not work. He is remarried & now has another little boy. His wife is a child of divorce & believes that she knows how everything should be & what is best for our son. Truth be told, as long as she keeps her noise & voice out of mine & my ex-husband’s business, most things work out ok but she can not do that & she does not like it when he comes home to see his son. She has him convinced that our son needs to be at their house when in all honesty his life is here (at least) during the school year. He has sports, birthdays, church, etc. I can count on one hand how many baseball games my son’s dad has come to see & he lives less than 5hrs away & could stay with his parents who live in the same city as my son & I do. I also can not count the number of games he has missed because his dad decided that it was more important to have him at his house. Oh and to tip everything off, he’ll give our son gifts at Christmas and other special occasions and then tell him that he can not bring them home when my son is hardly ever at his house. He is there maybe 3 or 4 times a year. My ex also buys him clothes and will not send them home but expects me to send him clothes even though he has clothes there. It is truly sad when my 9 yr old son asks me for or to do something that I do not have the budget for & advidse him to ask his dad . . . he states “Never mind, I really did not want/ want to do XXX”. My son also asks me if Santa gave him a WII, why can he not bring it home? Bless his little heart he has also learned that when his dad calls (almost everynight) he only wants to hear about school & if he does not remember what he did that day in school, his dad lectures/scoldes(sp?) him for it. Therefore, he does not want to talk to his dad. But my court order states that I have to provide reasonable phone contact, so I do. I believe though that my son is old enough to decided whether or not he wishes to speak to his dad. It is not my fault that his dad choose to apply & then accept a program that would take him far away to the point where he would not be able to travel on the weekends to see his son. Now, he has reached the end of the program that had him so very far away and has moved closer but he still wants to delegate his weekends to his parents who my son does not want to go stay with for the entire weekend b/c they do not allow him to play video games (even for an hour) & there are no kids his age in the neighborhood. Since my ex is now closer & I know people that drive a further distance, than what my ex currently is; everyother weekend & pays for a hotel room b/c they do not have family in the area they travel to just to see & spend time with his kids. He is trying to say that he has the right to delegate his weekends, which it does not state in the decree. Any advice? I am doing everything I am able to be close to my son & to ensure that he does not miss out on the “normal” father/son activities like I am the den leader for my son’s cub scouts, I coach baseball in the spring, I try to be tough & soft at the same time. I help him with his karate. Not to mention his school work, which I have spent hours upon hours working with him. I have sent projects with my son to his dad’s which needed to be completed for school & they are not done and/or done incorrectly. Which makes it even worse is that the ex’s new wife is a school teacher. So, we have to redo it and when he gets a poor grade on something my ex wants to lecture and talk down to our son when he has not shown him what “A” work is. Sorry, I have totally gotten off topic. I really wanted to ask for some adivce because it seems as though a bunch of you understand what I am dealing with/ going through.

    ~Thank you

  33. Charis says:

    Hi: I have 3 boys ages 9, 6 and 3. My ex and I split when the youngest was only 6 wks old. He had been having a sexual liason and said he couldnt do the family thing anymore- needed an ‘adventure’. then, 6 mos later, he moved to Texas (I am in New England). Honestly at first I was glad he was so far away- I could not imagine ‘sharing’ the kids with him- I admit that that was selfish; but I was heartbroken and didn’t want to miss a day with myboys. It used to incense me (actually it still sort of does0 when someone says “oh you’ll LOVE the time to yourself”. Not taht I don’t love some free time, but right now my placein life, at this stage, is to eb a mom, this time is fleeting and wehn they are grown and out of the house, god willing i’ll be healthy and happy and THAT will be time for me to do “Me” things more often. Not now. So, in any case, about my ex. He does regualryl visit once every 4 weeks. The kisd are always happy to see them. When he comes he is attentive and always does fun stuff with them. He also provides financially. He is not at all involved in their schooling, any other issues. So in essence, he isthe quintessential “disney Dad’. But you know what? its OK. he would never ‘abandon’ them. he is doing the best that he, as a person, is able to do. So i bear NO ill will at all, and in fact when he does come to visit, I let him stay in the house with the kids, and I leave. Sometimes we even do stuff together- like one day this summer he wanted to take all 3 of them to a very corwded water park, and i felt that would insane for one person, so i went too and we had a perfectly fine time. I really count my blessings. my goals now are to ty to make it so we can also share the holidays as those times are so important and i am so traditional. so i am working on trying to work out something withhim that we dont have to do the whole typical every otherholiday thing at least now withthe kids so young. maybe spend some time on some neutral ground.. something. anyway it hasnt always been easy but i think our situation is decent. Woudl i have wished i would have married a more devoted dad? sure. but we met young, i was inexperienced, and the signs were therebut I just didnt see them when i was 21 yrs old. he does the best he can and i count my blessings every day tha we have what we have.

  34. Francisca says:

    I have a 4yr old boy, wich wasn’t planed. I’m from Chile and the father is from colombia. Given the situation i have to say i’m blessed in one way, because he moved to chile when my son was born, and he stablished here.
    When he came here i said to him, “either you do this the right way, or you don’t cuz i can handle this on my own”.
    Didn’t quite work that way.
    I know he tries, but he just isn’t there. He sees his son only every 15 days, and is not because he can’t it’s because he won’t.
    My house doors are always open and I try to have a good relationship with him. He helps with expenses, but he’s not there. It makes me really sad, I want my son to have his dad, above all. Now it has come to the point that everyother weekend that he takes him, my boy tells me he doesn’t want to go, so I have to force him to go.
    I’ve seen other friends fighting in court for their children, to get to at least take them on the weekends, and this guy has all there but he just doesn’t want it.
    I hope I’ll be enough for my child, and really hope that some day my kid sees me as Theresa’s daughter.
    Beautiful story!

  35. sar says:

    im a mother to a two month old little boy. i was with a guy for my whole time i was pregnant and he was there for the delivery week after my son was born a dna test came back not his and when we were broken up i went out to a friends party and a kid said i wasnt driving home so i ended up spending the night at his house i had made sure he knew i didnt want anything to ever happen between he was always so into me and i only saw him as a friend well i guess he didnt care that i didnt want anything to happen and he decided he did well when my recent boyfriend got upset it wasnt his i told the other kid and he came to meet him after me forcing him and when i told him he said we should work out he never asked how much he weight when his birthday was or anything he wants a dna test done and im afraid to get it done hes only meet my son maybe 3 times never holding him unless i just let him on him this guy in a big partyer and into drugs and hunting he has guns al over his house just laying around and doesnt really have a permint house that he lives. he is now saying he is going to bring me to court to get the test done and all he wont have the only to pay me anything to suport my son do to the drinking everynight. what can i do to keep mmy son safe?

  36. confused parenting says:

    I am a single mother of a 9 month old girl. Her father sees her one or twice a month or sometimes he goes months without seeing her at all. We always argue about my parenting style and he thinks everything I say/do is childish and he has no idea how to begin to be a father. Our most recent spat was today because I asked him to tell me if he has some1 I dnt know around my child and of course he doesn’t because he says it doesn’t matter who he has around her or what they do as long as they dnt touch her…I sometimes wonder am I making a big deal out of things,does it really matter,but it does to me,kids are very impressionable and I dnt want her exposed to just anything. I feel lost how do I avoid these petty arguments the couple times a month he does see her.

  37. ogutz says:

    Great info here.

  38. Gary says:

    Wow, I’m really surprised at how many father’s seem to neglect having a relationship with their kids.

    I divorced with my ex 4 years ago. We have a son, now 8, and I cannot imagine not seeing him on a frequent basis.

    I see him at least once a week for an overnight stay (usually wed), then every other weekend. I live about an hour away from him, I really wish I could live closer (I’m remarried and expecting a little girl in a few months).

    Even with the visits I have with him now they’re not enough. I miss him every second of every day. Luckily, I have a really good relationship with my ex (though the first few years were rough). I txt her daily to see how he is doing, Skype him whenever I can (he enjoys when I read to him before he goes to bed online), and attend as many of his activities as I possibly can.

    Bottom line…my son is my life. It saddens me that there are father’s out there that don’t have the same bond with their kids but it’s definitely not the same for all of us.

  39. Sarah says:

    Oh how I can relate to this…

  40. Claire says:

    My 2 year old’s father lives in another country and only sees her on Skype. I chose to leave him in his home country and do not regret this decision. That being said, being a single parent is harder than I ever imagined! I work full time and have struggled with finding good day care for my little angel. Her dad says he loves her but has problems following through with a commitment he made to “see” her every Sunday online and sends money sporatically (not much). I think at times that she is missing at not having a dad present, but mostly I feel blessed to have a happy healthy daughter who has all of her needs met by a parent who loves her. My parents divorced when I was 8 and I have a new respect for my mom. I’m not sure how the whole “dad and daughter” relationship will turn out, but I am very cautious about it all. She calls him by his name b/c I think it’d be too confusing for her to call him daddy when she never gets to see him in person. Can anyone relate to this?

  41. Claire says:

    Hi. How is it going? I just read your story and hope that you and your son are doing well. My daughter’s dad lives in Europe and I live in America and I often wonder what it would be like if he was closer and could help me with her. Usually I am very happy he’s not here b/c he is immature and a bit irresponsible. WOuld like to share stories if you are interested. 🙂

  42. Katherine says:

    I live in Europe with my Ex and our 2 lovely boys (9 and 7). My Ex and I split up 6 years ago but decided to continue living together for the sake of the boys. He couldn’t bear to be a ‘weekend dad’.

    Thankfully, we have a big enough house that allows us to stay on separate floors but share the middle floor which holds the lounge, study and kitchen. Despite the demarcation, no area is off-bounds. The boys stay and/or sleep on any floor.

    People, especially my American friends, ponder how we manage to achieve this amicable state, but it’s all about mutual selflessness and a genuine love for the children. Of course, the classic English upper lip helps:). The boys know we are not ‘together’ but we have such a mad and happy home, I wish I had this as a child.

    We never bring ‘guests’ home and we give each other a break from the boys every fortnight. We both work from home and home-educate the boys, so we probably see much more of each other than some couples do.

    What I love best of all is the freedom and non-guilt regarding what each does with the boys. We take turns with holidays. I fly them to exotic locations at least twice a year. My Ex, who hates flying, takes them to rural England. The boys choose and thoroughly enjoy most trips. There are no arguments, no forfeits, no ‘I hate it here’ holidays, etc.

    Our boys are happy. Everyday is an adventure. I’m grateful for what we have and I won’t change it for all the plates in China :).

  43. pixie says:

    I Hate His/Her Ex is a book for anyone having difficulty coming to terms with their partner’s past relationships – brilliant read! Available on Amazon or most bookstores – Kindle or paperback!

  44. Theresa says:

    Good for you! Don’t let this change once your little girl arrives. Treat them both like they are the world. I know you will!

  45. crystak says:

    you are all so pathetic live the father on hiw own. you be a mother and he will a father why you always have to control things stop it it wont work.

  46. ashley says:

    I agree with Crystal although I dont understand her writing I know what she is trying to say. You have to be a “mother and let the father be a father” i like that phrase. Who are you to judge a man are you God no…. So for wellbeing you should only speak nicely about the father and thats it. Unless you are dying to have him back…. People and CONTROL issues are destroying kids. Don’t INTERFERE with their relationship stop….let them be for god sake.

  47. Jennifer says:

    My son starts his 4 month (shared custody) with his Father in Colorado. Then June 1st he will come back to my in Texas. No one pays child support, but the parent who has him is responsible for food, medical, and all needs. The parent who is getting him for their four months, has to pay for travel costs to get him. I understand the judges decision, and it is the best decision he could give. But, it will be very difficult. My son is two and his Father never really had him for a long period of time. In fact, he usually called me to come get him early or would bring him home early. I feel a lot of anxiety as his Father and I do not get along. I can tolerate him so long, and it is hard to keep my composure. But was always willing to let his Father be involved and share our son. How does one cope? Will he comply with the judges decision for not having our son in a smoke filled home? I can only keep myself busy and life is all about my son right now. Would it be wrong to call everyday? I am scared and dreading when I leave him at the airport with his dad.

  48. Claire says:

    can i just say “stop it” to crystak or whatever her name is? i understand what she is trying to say but to call a bunch of hardworking single parents pathetic is just ridiculous. until you have walked in someone else’s shoes, keep your judgements to yourself. why are you even following this thread unless it applies to you? you are clearly an unhappy person who needs to judge others in order to make yourself feel better! some people may be going through a difficult time and are venting here. that doesn’t give you the right to judge..

  49. ashley says:

    My ex husband and I split up when my daughter was one year old. She is now 4. At first he didn’t see her at all, he now sees her every other weekend. He has never paid child support and I feel that this just isn’t enough. He lives maybe 20 minutes away.He doesn’t have a job, so I told him that he can get her anytime during the week. He doesn’t even call. He wants er on all the holiday, except for New Year and his and his girlfriends birthday( timeto party). She has reached a point where she doesn’t want to go to his house anymore. He gets mad cause I dont make her go. He claims her every year on income tax. But pays no child support. He gets well over $ 6,000 back. Sometimes he gives me 400 of it.I don’t want to do wrong. I want what’s best for my daughter but I feel as if he uses her. As if she is his “trophy daughter”. He gets all the veritable for raiseing her, without actually having to put any work into it. So my question is is it so wrong if I keep her from if. ( as she doesn’t want to go. I’d never tell her she couldn’t go if she would want to)?

  50. Darla says:

    It will be a learning expierence for the both of you . My advice would be to not feed the fire, Keep busy and get the rest you need while your son is away. Also Educate and prepare yourself for unexpected circumstances. Check out love and logic parenting. and encourage your baby daddy to attend too. If he dont want to go than , take everything into consideration that they have to offer. Your child is still a baby, now is a good time to learn about co-parenting whether you get back to gether or not. oh And if possible have who ever is caring for your child when the father is working etc. contact you and keep you informed of his well being.

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