By May 26, 2011 Read More →

How Involved Is Your Child’s Other Parent?

The other day, I got into a deep discussion with a friend on parental involvement. We both agreed that under ideal circumstances it is best for the children. But we all live in a non-ideal world. With few exceptions, none of us came into adulthood looking to be single parents.

My ex wife and I live near each other and are active in our kids’ lives. Sure we have our moments, but for the most part, we work together.  My friend was telling me that there was no way she could deal with her child’s father “interfering” with raising her daughter due to his addiction to drugs. I have another friend whose ex husband is across the country due to his employment so he really can’t be too involved.  I can see the perks and I can also see the detriment.

How involved is the “other” parent in your child’s life? Should it be more? Less? Please leave a comment and let’s discuss!

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60 Comments on "How Involved Is Your Child’s Other Parent?"

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  1. Wendy says:

    John This info is worth everyone’s attention. Howcan I find out more?|Is there a second post on this|Is there more to come}

  2. Liam says:

    Hi I’m going through the same thing but I’m the father and my ex dumped me and flew back to the uk

  3. Sarah says:

    I am the proud single mother of an amazing 3 1/2 little boy. He is the result of a very short relationship that was mostly physical. The donor wanted me to “get rid if it” and was not involved in the pregnancy itself. Ironically, he asked to be present at the birth bc his mother wanted to be here. I allowed him to come an see my son after he was born and kept the door open for him to be involved and become a father. Unfortunately for him, he chose to not be involved. We went through court proceedings (initiated by the state for child support) at which time he told the judge I was keeping his son from him on top of a bunch of other bs. The judge saw through him but had to follow procedure and appointed a mediator. We met with him and the donor was rude & flat out disrespectful to him so clearly that was not going to work. The donor was pretty much fighting for his mom to be able to be involved in my sons life but he did not want anything to do with him. It came down to having a set visitation schedule (which is all I wanted) and after 18 months he managed to see my son on average once a month for 2 hours. At that time I chose to seek full custody & placement. Went to court and presented the judge with my case and when he asked the donor what he wanted he said “it is not worth my time.”

    So clearly, I have full custody and my son is thriving and happy and has a wonderful family full of men, be it his Papa (who is pretty much his Dad)or uncles or cousins or friends, who are all helping him grow and will be there for him no matter what.

    The pickle I have found myself in is that he has recently started asking where his daddy is? why don’t i have a daddy? why doesnt my daddy love me?

    I began by telling him that he does not have a daddy and it is just he and i and focusing on the fact he has papa and uncles and cousins ec. but I feel like the may backfire as he gets older….

    Thought?? Advice???

  4. Sarah says:

    *3 1/2 year old* little boy…

  5. Larry says:

    Friend,
    Red Flag indeed-regarding your concern surround the return of your CHILD and wife.

    Will she return with your daughter? That is difficult to say for sure. Based on her statement “Never see your daughter again” and that she threatens you with child, I would be doubly concerned. If she does leave with your child with the intention of never returning, you will need to know the agreements between Poland and Canada. Will they recognized the US court system? If so, a good attorney could force your wife to return with your child. However, this is expensive and more importantly, incfredibly hard on your daughter. Additionally, your wife would be subject to rather harsh scrutiny by the courts as related to child custody.

    Number 2;

    I would take great care to remain very involved in your daughter’s day to day life – I meam REALLY involved. I would be concerned that your wife is capable of “Child Alienation”. That means she could use physcological tactics to send mixed and unfavorable messages to your daughter in the attemtp to cast a negative light on you such that you daughter will prefer her mother and ultimately so that Mom will win custody and your daughter will not want you in her life. THIS IS VERY REAL-

    I married a foriegn woman. 13 days after she became a citizen here,she declared she wantted a divorce and then she did all she could to run away with our 2 year old daughter (with the help of her out of the country family). It cost me nearly 50k to stop her from doing this. Her next effort was to alienate our daughter form me. With each failed attempt by her via the courts, my ex wife would fabricate more outragous statements out of anger, claims that “mothers should have the children”, etc. It took me 5 years, 235k, unbelievable amounts of frustration and anxiety before this was settled but only because she sent a series of emails to a family member with the sme name as her friend admitting that “her story (lies) were finally working”. The judge saw them via my attorney and awarded me sole legal and physical custody of our daughter.

    I was naive from the start. Like you, I could not figure out what was happening i my wife’s mind as she was drifting and I was doing all I could to satisfy her and I never believed (contrary to family and friends-hers and mine) that she would do such a thing.

    So, keep records of anything that she says that sounds threatening. Make copies and do not show them to her. Keep a diary of what she says.

    I did and they were incredibly useful n a court of law. As much as I adore women, the FACT is the courts absolutely lean in favor of mothers as relates to custody.

    Bias on my part? no.
    I am frieds with a high ranking legal figure for the state of California whose name will remain private. SHE advised me of the same.

    Be nice to your wife and daughter, do not give cause for domestic disputes, keep records flawlessy and timely, go with her to Poland – if not, then get an attorney to advise you of your rights before hand.

    I wish the best for your daughter. This is your opportunity to show her what a good father/man can look like.

    LT

  6. Jenny says:

    Great story was very touching.

  7. Diane says:

    My X left us when my son was 9 months old. He saw him less and less. When it reached the point that it was only once in a year, I decided to move back to Canada, where my family lived. My son was almost 4. X took me to court to try to stop us, but the judge ruled in my favor. Once in Canada, he saw my son once, when I took him to see X myself. He never came to Canada to visit, eventhough I offered to pay for his lodging. Since the child psychologists advised that it was up to the father to establish the relationship between my son and him, I stopped trying. So my son has not seen his father for 6 years now. He’s handling it well, although he is conscious that his friends and classmates have dads in their lives. The only involvement that my X has with my son is he emails him before his bday or Christmas to find out what he wants and then sends him the gifts. Also, because we have shared legal custody, recently, a psychologist insisted to have the father’s consent before she saw my son. This giving him a position of power, he finally decided to sign, the evening prior to our appointment, but with the stipulation that he wants a report after each appointment and will decide if our son should continue his therapy or not. Needless to say, I’m not very happy. He doesn’t even know his son! It’s not easy, but at least I’m the one that’s blessed with having the most amazing son in my life every single day and feel very privileged to be his mom! 🙂

  8. Betty says:

    my ex-husband left over 25 years ago and at the time our twins were just about 2 years old. At that time things were difficult for me and very scarey. I had no husband and no job. I did move back home for a long time. I can never repay my parents for time and help.
    For years the kid’s had wanted to know who there father is or was. They want to talk to him and why he left, I don’t think there mad just want his opinion and why. My kids are very successful people and we are grand parents now, I’m very proud of them. I don’t know if the kids will ever be successful on finding there dad. I never got over him because the kids wanted to know and I explained my side of the story, but they just kept asking.

  9. sue says:

    My son and his girlfriend split about a month ago. He see’ s his 2yr old daughter ever day. He is not wanting a relationship with the mother, but feels he should be included in her life daily, he wants the mother to be with him if they go to the park, he wants to be included in outings,play Times, Dr appointments,anything that involves his little girl. Mom is with a new guy and allows my son to see his daughter anytime, he also takes care of his daughter while mom works(8hrs/day. He feels like he is just the babysitter, or just around when mom needs a break or wants to go out. He is having a hard time with all of this, especially since this all went down with out him knowing anything was wrong.
    My son is a wonderful father, he is 23, he is adhd and obsessive compulsive disorder.
    I don’t know if he is supposed to be wanting to be included in every aspect of his daughters life, I do know with an example, He wanted his ex and himself to take their daughter to the park, she claimed illness, was supposedly staying home today, now she is with her nd and child off somewhere meeting nd’ s family. My son is hurt and angry. What can I do they help him?

  10. Diane Werbinski says:

    My ex and I share joint physical custody of are 3 year old son. My 3 year old lives with me. But his father doesn’t call him but when he does, he only calls once a week or once every 2 weeks to see him. Doesnt even take him over night. When he takes him its only for a coupe of hours then brings him back. He doesnt work. He on social security disability. He does have a new girlfriend that he spend more time with then his own son. Also smokes Marijuana In his home. Which I don’t feel Comfortable With. When he Does take him my ex’s mother is with him. What am I aloud to do being that we share joint physical custody when he barely sees his son.